This is grief
I always thought grief was this huge thing that hit you when you lost something or someone important to you. It wasn’t about losing self. It wasn’t about losing what you were. But you know, I think that was a stupid thing to think. I’m waaaaaay behind in my grief management just because I didn’t understand what I was feeling was grief.
I guess most of the issue is I should have been feeling this way a long time ago. I’ve ignored a lot of what I feel because I’ve always been told that what I think is partially to do with a chemical imbalance (bipolar) and partly to do with the ways I learned to deal with that because back when they decided I was bipolar (with a questionable personality disorder to do with self-esteem – they’ve now decided something else which I don’t agree with at all), but all in all, that was the way it was. I’ve been through a half dozen meds in the last eighteen months, but the empty, sad feeling that they’re tagging as something else, I think is grief. I’ve lost so many pregnancies, and then, to add insult to injury, it really feels like I’ve lost myself in all of the messes going on right now. It might sound a bit melodramatic, but a blog post – 300 or so words – takes me all day. Longer than that, like this post, it takes me a few attempts. Some of it is Restless leg twitchy feelings, most of it is to do with just not being able to sit still and write for any length of time. I wish I was more positive but I’m giving it a try.
Anyway, yesterday I talked about some books on Author Interrupted. Today I’ll be talking about more.
Come on over and check the books out!